It has been a really long time since I last posted...and I mean REALLY. A lot has happened to me over the past 6 months and today has just been one of those days where I feel the pressure of every single thing in my life on my shoulders. I don't know if it is the weather that has gotten me in this mood or what, but I think it is about time I start writing again.
1. BYU: I started my first semester at BYU in January and lets just say it was definitely a different experience from Idaho. I decided to live at home with my parents to help save some money on my end and also to help get myself adjusted since I didn't really know what my experience was going to be like. I am glad that I decided to live at home even though it didn't feel like I lived there and there were the times where I just wanted to be the average college kid living on their own. It was a rough semester. There is no denying that. It was so much harder than where I was at previous semesters and I was working 20-30 hours (depending on the week) on top of 15 credit hours. I have never had to juggle anything like that before so it was all one big learning experience in so many ways. Now, I would be lying to myself if I didn't say that I was, and still am, very disappointed in myself. I feel like that because things got so hard for me, that I just started giving up. I stopped believing in myself, my goals and my ambitions. I stopped caring about my studies and my education because in my mind I had every right to. As a result, my grades slipped and the rest I can't take care of or fix now and boy, I sure am dealing with the consequences now. "Why should a 20 year old girl have to worry about so many things?" is what I keep thinking in my head. I should be having the fun and the experiences like I have always pictured in my head. But you know what, that is not how life works. No matter how many times I picture and see things in my head, it never comes out that way. I will never take that huge cross country road trip with friends where you just roll the windows down and sing the whole way. I will probably never move to LA and attend FIDM. And it all continues to be one big disappointment to me. So now I have come to the struggle of dealing with disappointment. I am not trying to be a downer, just expressing the things I have been feeling in a healthy way. I know that things in my life just aren't going to happen, that is not how it works. No matter what the movies and the shows say, you have to make things happen for yourself in life. So now I have to figure out what I am going to do to keep myself moving forward to where I want to be and where I want to go. Things are discouraging and disappointing but that shouldn't keep me from continuing on in life. That is all I really can do right now.
So as I figure out how to deal with the things that are constantly thrown at me and my feelings, I am going to try and stay positive. Here are a few things:
-The friends I do have, they make me happy and are the type of people I have been wanting in my life to help make it different!
-I have the opportunity to get an education and challenge myself. Even though this can really suck (like for me still trying to figure out what I want to do) so many people would love to go to college and earn a degree.
-I have a job that supports me. It is not always the best, but it has been a job that I enjoy and that has helped me financially and in different aspects of my personality.
-Today was a beautiful day. Everything is so green and in bloom and makes me want to be outside as much as I can.
