All Good Things Must Come To An End

Well, here I am in the middle of December remember thinking that I would never come or get this far. Boy, was I wrong! What a crazy/incredible/humbling experience this has been. I have completed ample amounts of homework and projects, gone through at least one ream of paper on papers and printouts, spent too much time on my laptop, made my legs burn from walking everywhere and lots of time on my knees--hours on end were dedicated to these things. How in the world did I survive these fast-paced 3 months?! Lots of laughter, love, tears, memories, quotes, scriptures, friendships, roommates, music, sleep, phone calls, food and smiles...just to name a few. As I was sitting in sacrament meeting for the last time this semester, it hit me and I actually realized something; could I quite possibly LIKE it here? I really am going to miss the people, ward, bishop, neighbors, environment and memories that I have gotten to know and create here. What in the world am I thinking?! It is so amazing what you learn and realize as you look back on things, even as little as three months ago. I never thought I would last or that I was going to survive it up here. A rocky road it was at first, but now it is actually starting to smooth out. I am such a stronger person and I am so proud of myself and all that I have been through and accomplished. I have come to learn that you have to cherish the moments you have and are in right now (even when they aren't pleasant or fun) because they don't last forever. Now that I am wrapping up my time here in Rexburg, I am now starting a new page in this chapter. I don't know if I'm coming back and I don't know what I am going to do, who I am going to hang out with and what my life is going to entail but I do know that what I need/should do is give it my all. I have ideas and thoughts of what I would like but in the end I need to have faith and trust, then I can turn the rest over to the Lord and leave it in his hands. Let his will be done. I can do hard things :)

The Things I Do.

This pretty much sums it all up.

Count Your Blessings.

My goodness! Do I have so much to be grateful for or what?! I have been meaning to post for a while now but school got the best of me. I just got home from spending time with my family back in Utah for Thanksgiving and now I have a few minutes to spare and write down everything amazing. I am sure as I have stated in past posts, these past few months have been one heck of a journey for me. However, in the end I have so much to be grateful for. I am so grateful that I have the opportunity to go to school but not just any school. I am able to go to a university that is so amazing! The teachers, administration, students and everyone are great and the Spirit is present and invited. I am so grateful that I have the funds to be able to afford to go to school and become enlightened with more knowledge and a stronger testimony. I am so grateful for my roommates and all that they have been teaching me throughout the semester, whether it is by their example, actions, or words. I am grateful for the experiences I have been having. They haven't always been the best, but these trials have made me stronger and a better person than I was before. Even though I have lost some close to me along the way, they have brought me closer to my family and Heavenly Father I can't express how grateful I am for my Heavenly Father and all the resources we have to turn to him and grow closer. The power of prayer is real and I know that I am his daughter and he loves me more than I can comprehend. I am so grateful for President Monson and his counselors along with the 12 Apostles and all the church leaders. Their words have helped to guide me and comfort me during my hard times. I am also so very grateful for not only my brother serving a mission, but for all the missionaries serving through out the world. They are blessing and bringing light to so many lives and families and I know they have to mine. I am so grateful to have the word of God within inches of me and that I am able to read it and worship in this country how and where I may. I am so especially grateful for my family, both immediate and extended. They have been so amazing to me and helped me along my way. They have shared their experiences, thoughts, trials and heartaches with me. It is so comforting to know I have them there. I had/have so many things to be grateful for this Thanksgiving and Holiday season and these are just a few of those things. Count your blessings, name them one by one :)

Revelation

Over the past few weeks while I have been here at school, I have had a particular thought constantly running through my mind. Last night, I was able to attend the Saturday evening session of our Stake Conference along with the session this morning. I had an incredible experience throughout each session and just thought I would share my journal entry on my little insights and revelation I was able to receive.

"As I was sitting Saturday evening at the start of Stake Conference, I was very excited and eager to hear what the message would be. I knew it was bound to be good, I could feel it in my heart. Everything I've heard here at school has been great so far. Over the past few weeks, I have had the same thoughts pressed in my mind and feelings, "I want to transfer. I want to go to BYU. I feel the need to and I feel that there is something there that is not here." As I have thought these things, I have always wondered whether or not it was me and my desires/wants or the Spirit speaking to me. I have decided to pray about it a few times and see what the Lord says and has in store for me. The session started and President Hammond (1st counselor) stated the theme for our conference. It's a quote by Julie B. Beck from the September 2011 Ensign visiting teaching message in regards to personal revelation. She states, "The ability to qualify for, receive, and act on personal revelation is the single most important skill that can be acquired in this life." Perfect! This is exactly what I've been waiting and searching for. So many amazing things were said . I have pages and pages of notes of inspired words by inspired speakers. As I was listening to all the words. It came to me. I know why I am here. I know what my purpose of coming here was for. I came to school at a very critical and difficult time and point in my life. I am still learning, growing and experiencing this but it is becoming more and more clear to me. A certain part of my life happened, but now it is time to put it to rest. An incredible bishop was put into my path. He helped me to see my potential and what I could become. The words he spoke were uplifting and encouraging. I can get through this hard time. I can grow close to my Heavenly Father and I can receive answers and his Spirit. The things I had to do and that were asked of me to do were uncomfortable, but I did them. And now those things have forever blessed my life even though they have been hard and even frustrating. I know I was supposed to go to BYU-I to find myself. To grow and become spiritually strong and gain a better relationship with myself, my Heavenly Father and my family, especially my parents. I have never felt so much love for them in my life and have never been so grateful. I recognize all that they have done and continue to do for me and I feel closer to them more than ever. I also feel like I am truly a strong woman and that the Gospel and Atonement is real now more than ever. I love this feeling. Going through this process is so hard and challenging, but I wouldn't trade it for the world. This is the place I am suppose to be and come to to experience these things. Along with this revelation, I now know that my time here will be over at the end of the semester. Now that I feel close to my family, I want to be there and cultivate our relationship even more. I also know and feel that there are people or things there for me wherever I end up going. Whether it is for me to bless their life or for them to bless mine. This is where I will thrive and find myself the happiest. I feel these things with my heart and know the Lord and Holy Ghost have been speaking to me. It's been pressed upon my thoughts and feelings for a reason. I truly believe and know these things."

Questions for Reflection pt.2

What are your strongest, most poignant memories? When have you felt most alive in your life? As I have thought about these question, it has always come back to love. And not just romantic love (even though that is something at the forefront of my mind lately) but the love of friendship and family. Yes, I know that I have talked about this subject before and it's something I refer to often, but it's something tender to me. These strong memories, are memories that I wish I could go back to. Memories that I could re-live over and over again. And memories that I wish I didn't take for granted. This is also when I felt the most alive. In these memories and moments I was loved, or in love. It was so encompassing, so refreshing and brought much comfort to me. Love is what makes the world go around, and what makes me feel the way I feel, do the things I do, act the way I act, and say the things I say. It's what makes me function and live day to day. It's in my thoughts daily when I think about my family, friends, that special someone, and most importantly Jesus Christ. It's something I long for and something I am searching for. These moments full of love are the most memorable to me because that is when I was the most alive, the most alive because I felt whole and complete. Like nothing was missing and I knew that everything is going to be okay and that everything happens for a reason and works out in the end. Someone loves me and I love them. We all strive to love in our lives, it's a gift from above and a treasure to take in. Tell the ones you love, that you love them. No matter what the relationship may be--friends, family, acquaintances, or diminishing relationships--let them know. You never know where life is going to take us <3

Questions for Reflection

So, it's been almost a month since I have started college. I can honestly say I have never experienced so much in such a short amount of time. It has been a time of personal growth and reflection, as well as self-improvement. It's been rough, not going to lie. I thought I had this whole thing figured out. I was sure on what I wanted to do and where I wanted to go and take my life. I was sure that this is the school for me. But now, my thoughts have changed. I've experienced some hardships up here and they have really gotten me to think about where I am in this stage and if this is what I really want. But, I am going to give it a chance, at least for the rest of semester or year depending on how things go. Today in my english class, we were given "Questions for Reflection" to help us dive deeper into ourselves and our lives to help promote growth and ideas for our self essays. As I was reading through all of these questions, I started becoming emotionally distraught inside because they revealed the true, raw feelings that I am having and the internal conflicts I am experiencing.
So, I know this is a blog and maybe it shouldn't be all personal like this, but it's also a way for me to share my feelings and experiences not only to myself, but for myself and the "world." One of the questions on this paper was, "What kind of person do you wish you could be? What kind of person are you in reality? What is keeping you from being the person you want to be?" These questions struck a chord with me and as I started writing, my response really got to me. The person I wish I could be is someone that in my eyes, is realistically unattainable. I wish that I was one of the nicest people and someone known and loved by everyone. I wish I was an example & someone who isn't afraid. I wish I was someone who wasn't shy & someone who was sure about themselves and their goals/ambitions in life. I wish I was someone who wasn't hurt, confused and tender. I wish I was someone who is strong, stronger than what I see in me.
The kind of person I am in reality is the opposite of these...at least in my eyes. Let's be honest with myself. I am sad, tender, vulnerable and weak inside. I am confused and lost on what I should do in life. I am scared and afraid to be different and branch out. I am someone who is growing as a person in every aspect and learning as I grow. I am a budding flower in the process of blooming.
What is keeping me from being the person I want to be? My fears and struggles, society and covering up the truth. But most of all, me.
Now I am not trying to make whoever is reading this feel sad for me or feel bad. That is not the point of this. The point of this is my own personal reflection and sharing my thoughts with whomever. I think one of everyones goal in life to try and become a better person than they already are. These questions are questions that can be easily asked to anyone and to yourself, and can make you ponder and reflect on who you are. So the question is, what is keeping you from being the person you want to be?

College Life.

Holy cow! I haven't been in Rexburg for even a week yet and I feel like I have already experienced so much. I have never met so many people in my life in just 4 days and been so busy. The time has seriously flown by and I have a feeling that that is how the school year is going to be. I'm totally okay with that..I think :) So far, I love the college life! It's so different from anything else I have experienced. Everyone here at BYU-I is so nice and friendly and really easy to get along with. Everyone is here to meet new people, explore new things, grow spiritually and also learn. I love that I have become friends with my roommates so easily, as well as my I-Team. It's been so fun to just chill and talk with my roommates, we are already so crazy together. I also love how you can instantly connect with people and become friends without a problem, it's never really awkward. In fact, we already had our first group dinner. Church was also definitely different but in a good way. I'm not used to sitting in a science lab for sunday school, but hey it's still church and it's all good. You learn the same things and feel the spirit. It's also weird not hearing crying babies and being surrounded by young adults who are actually really intelligent and knowledgeable about the gospel. Oh and my roommate already got asked out by our sunday school teacher to the fireside last night and for a date on Friday. Holy crap. I guess people just can't wait around here. My room is totally awesome and the activities around here are already great and something to look forward to. I also survived my first class this morning, it was great to start with an opening hymn and song. The teacher is really nice but I must admit, I do already feel stressed and intimidated about the work. However, I know that through Heavenly Father, my family and my friends, I can do all things and that everything is going to be great. It's an experience I am learning to love :)        
                                Always,
                                        Dee

Bitter Sweet.

So this past week I have done a lot of contemplating about starting my new "adventure" to college. Thinking about all the fun and exciting opportunities and things to do there has gotten me way excited and super happy to go up to the good ole' potato state.  I am ready to experience the hype about this so called "college life". The freedom and independence I'll have, along with the responsibility and the feeling of being a grown adult, it's all so exhilarating to me. However, as I have started packing these past 2 days, it has really become a bitter sweet thing to me. Besides some minor details, I love where I live. It's beautiful, the weather is great, we have awesome neighbors and a great ward. I am blessed to have a nice house to live in and family and friends who care about me. I know my surroundings and I know where I stand and fit in. These are the things that make this experience a little bitter rather than sweet. I am definitely having mixed emotions right now, but there's no turning back! I'm anxious to see how I'll be as I get up there tomorrow and what my reaction will be as I take everything in at once. Will I cry myself to sleep at night, toss and turn, or will I be just fine? I guess time will tell and will reveal everything. I am so grateful for all the love and support and kind words I have gotten from everyone, they truly mean a lot to me. And even though I may miss some of you more than others, I am still going to miss you all. I'll  be sure to document all my experiences throughout this first week and I will be back home in no time :) Love you all!
                     Always,
                               Dee

Love.

My oh my, boy has this subject been ever so present on my mind lately. It has always been something I didn't understand and could never wrap my head around. What is Love? How do you know when you love someone or are in love with someone? What does it feel like? What is the experience like? These questions boggled my mind for the longest time. For the past year, I have had the opportunity to learn so much about this personal and meaningful topic. I guess it was one of those experiences that you look back on and realize how much you learned and had grown as a person. You're able to evaluate all the emotions and feelings you went through during that time. As I have done so, I realized that I experienced..love. And not just that, but my first romantic "true" love as they say. Gosh, does this make my heart melt or what! Gordon B. Hinckley once stated, "True love is not so much a matter of romance as it is a matter of anxious concern for the well-being of one's companion." So why am I talking about something that would be considered "personal" to others? I don't know. I guess I have just felt the need to write and express my thoughts about this. It makes me so happy to think back on it and I long for it again. It helped me to grow as a person and into a maturing young adult. I think about it so often now-a-days and love has almost become..mysterious to me. You can't describe it, you just know it when you feel it and it grows over time. I am so grateful to have experienced this, so grateful it just makes me want to cry thinking about it! This person showed me some of the happiest times in my life to this day. They become your best friend and you don't want to skip a beat without them. You also learn to love them not only for their perfections, but imperfections as well. You make mistakes together, but in the end, love is all about lifting each other up and molding ourselves into the best we can be. This person also taught me so much about this and I still learn and grow everyday as I think back onto the experiences and memories we have together. I may be 18, but I know that what I have experienced is love. Love is happy. Cherish the moments because you don't know what you got 'till it's gone.
                     With Love,
                             Dee

Change..

So, I have been contemplating and have had the idea for a while to start up a blog as I start a new chapter in my new found "adulthood" life. I'm heading off to college in one week, no parents or siblings, just a best friend, my clothes, shoes, dignity and small town Rexburg, Idaho. Boy...I never thought this day would come but now it's actually starting to sink in and I'm a little nervous! I think that is normal though. It's always been nice to have my parents to rely on when I needed something or had a problem, on the other hand however, I feel I have always been pretty self reliant and I am ready to grasp this new change in life and grab it head on by the horns! I am very anxious to meet new people, explore new places, learn from new classes and see how I will react and handle all these new things. See, when I moved to Utah from Tennessee 3 years ago, I feel it took a huge affect on the person I was. The situation I was then put in was something I had never experienced before in my life. Having to make friends was a huge struggle for me and took a toll on my confidence. I thought that I had always been this fun, outgoing person but then it had me thinking that I only felt that way because I grew up with all the kids I had been friends with. Now that I was in a different situation, the new kid who knew no one and didn't grow up with any of these people, I realized how hard it can be to just be yourself and make friends and not care what people think! This has been my struggle ever since, trying to figure out where I fit and not caring about what other people think. True friends will like you for who you truly are. So as I head off to college this is a goal very prominent in my mind. I want to be care free, I want to be myself and not care because it's college! There is such a selection and variety of people and it's so much more accepting than High School. I want to be the fun, bubbly girl I know I am. I want to start up a conversation with someone without knit picking about every single detail that I said wrong or how I'm such an awkward person. I want to smile!! :) These are my first, every day goals I have as I head off to college and I am so excited to see what happens. I'll be sure to keep you all informed. So long for now!
             Always,
                      Dee