Forgiveness

I am going to indulge on my blog here a little bit and go in a different direction than my regular posts have been going. My heart and spirit are just so humble right now and I need a way to release the things I have been feeling. This time last year, I was going through the hardest thing of my life so far. I never thought that I could be so sad, heartbroken, disappointed and discouraged than what I was at that moment. That pain has stuck with me ever since and is something that I will not soon forget. I get these feelings and these moods and know that when I am starting to feel and recognize them, I need to get out. If I spend one more moment in them, it is a hard journey out. And I have started to feel that way again. I don't know what or why it is that this happens, especially around these months...I have SO much to be grateful for! But Satan knows our weaknesses. He knows what our life is like. He knows when we are most vulnerable, when we are on our own and have a lot of time to be alone and to ourselves. He knows when we are away from family and friends. He knows when we are out of our comfort zone. He knows that we have stress and different things to juggle like school, friends, work, homework, etc. He knows that we are young and still have a lot to learn. And that is why this happens.

I was originally going to write this post a few days ago and make it a venting session about how some people ( or maybe one in particular) are so mindless and selfish of those around them. How it is so easy for myself to be loyal to others and give in to peoples every desires and have myself feel like they don't even care about what I think or how I feel or what I want to do. How ironic. My battles in life are all internal and the things I think are brutal. I just have conversation after conversation with myself in my mind about everything. I don't think it is quite healthy, but it is who I am. So, instead of continuing on this negative, I wanted to focus on something that I should have been doing a long time ago. Instead of thinking so negatively about people and things, I should have forgiven. I should have immediately forgiven all the things/people that have offended and continue to offend me. I could have saved myself so much energy and thought process.

I know that this is SO much easier said than done. Trust me, even when writing this post I am having and internal struggle with wanting to do what is right and what I should and smacking the living day lights out of someone and saying, "HEY! Look at me. Look at how I feel! Do you even care?! You just don't understand! You are so annoying! You have it so good and I know that because you are so selfish with who and what you are and have that you won't take a second to look and think around, especially with this person right in front of you!" (OK, so I might have don't a little venting there) But the thing wrong with what I just said is, I can't look into someone else's heart. I don't know what they are thinking or what they are feeling. As much as I think I do, I don't. (I like to think that I know A LOT of things, do this is hard for me too) Forgiveness is a commandment and if I do not forgive, then greater the condemnation is on me than the offender. If I am not merciful, I cannot obtain mercy. There's no weakness in forgiveness. The Lord gives us no commandment that we cannot keep. I need to change my attitude and have a change of heart. I know that this is hard and it is going to take a conscious effort from me, but I will be so much happier! My roommates and friends can have "Deanna" back!

I love my Father in Heaven. I love the examples he gives me in my life and the teachings he teaches me. I love that I get to learn through and with Him. I may not love the trials He gives me in the moment, but I love that we have opportunities to go through hard things in our lives because in the end, we learn more than we ever could about ourselves and our Father in Heaven. And I hope that all can forgive me because I know that I am not perfect and I say and do mean, stupid and hurtful things. Talk to me about it, I want to be better :)